thinking

Have you ever just sat down and just let your mind wander? searching the corners of your most inner thoughts and dwelling on them for a while? People come to mind that you haven't thought about in a while and you wonder why that is. Then the same sadness and pain rises back up to the surface like a scar getting cut again. Friendships have formed over the years and you don't know where you'd be without them and then deeper back in the archives you remember old friends who were your lifeline that you haven't even spoken to in maybe 5 or more years yet you still like their occasional facebook post. Childhood friends now have children or spouses and are growing up faster than it seems you are as you sit still in college where the only thing growing is your college debt and your desire to not be alone anymore. The only thing I can count on in the end is me and frankly that's what frightens me the most. If we can search this world for friends and try our hardest to hold on to them for as long as we can then why do we become so sad when they drift away? it's not like this isn't a new concept for us. Our kindergarten best friends are off somewhere else in the world and we don't even think twice. Our middle school best friends may even go to the same university and you may say hi if you see them but nothing more than the socially acceptable greeting for two old acquaintances. Our high school best friends are jealous of our new college friends and vice versa. Or maybe they just stopped trying to talk to you all together. Like as soon as you get your diploma that's your ticket to new friends because your old ones are setting you free and don't want anything to do with you anymore. So here you are. Alone in a world that doesn't quite give a damn if you succeed or fail and you're alone. With no one to back you up and be your right hand man. All you have are your thoughts and memories. Yet it seems like everyone else but you can have it all. But no. You're not allowed to.

I love you

Since finishing up my fifth week of finals in college, life has taken a terrible turn for the worst. After my first night back in my real bed I was woken up by my mother with startling and saddening news. My uncle was found unresponsive in bed just less than hour before I had woken up. Within another hour he was gone and with the Lord. My sister and I got to the hospital as the rest of our family trickled in and the rest was a blur. I still cannot believe that my uncle, my father's only brother, one of the two men who he grew up admiring the most, had been taken from us at 53. In the past week I've heard countless stories about his life and the adventures he had. During this tough time I've realized a few things from this. The first is that I missed the opportunity to become closer with a man that I truly would've called a second father. Due to certain circumstances I never had the chance even though we lived in the same town for my entire life. Life just gets so busy we don't have the time and chances to see and spend time with everyone that we want to. That brings me to my second realization of the week; I don't want this to ever happen again. I know that this is the inevitable, but I don't want to miss out on knowing someone that was such a blessing to so many people. He was an inspiration to those he surrounded himself with, he always did what made him happy and nothing less, and he loved like nobody else could ever love. That brings me to a third thing I've realized this week, I want a love and marriage like he had with my aunt. They never had children yet they always had a smile on their face like they were high school sweethearts. That's because they were. They never lost the spark like so many couples I see today and I just don't want to settle for anything less than what they had and still have. I feel only a smidgen better know that from thisI've  realized where I've been going wrong with my life and how I want to fix it. I just only wish I could bring him back and ask for more stories about him and my dad for just a little longer and give him one last hug. Rest in Peace Uncle Lee. You will forever be missed and loved.